


Disgruntled, Tunbridge Wells

by angelan



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Humor, Spoilers for SPECTRE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 08:59:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5369456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelan/pseuds/angelan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A strongly worded letter from 009 to M, re: recent events.  Post SPECTRE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disgruntled, Tunbridge Wells

Sir,

Further to our previous conversation (dated Monday December 9th, 2015), I am writing to formally tender my resignation from my position as “Overseas Intelligence Officer”(note that, prior to the restructuring effected on the 5th November 2015 this position was referred to as “009”).

As you will no doubt be aware, Operation Tower, which on paper could be described as a success, was in fact a travesty from beginning to end. My list of objections begins with the insertion of the ‘smart blood’ product. You will recall authorising its use on all 00 agents. Is this product medically approved? Have any tests been performed to determine the effect of nano-transmitters on the normal electrical functions of the human body, for example? I submit that they have not. Am I now at risk of a sudden heart attack? How am I, pray tell sir, to explain it to the good people at Tunbridge Wells Hospital? 

My second objection was, I hope, made plain in our earlier meeting, I will not dwell on it here, except to note in writing that it is extremely difficult to carry out a mission when one’s equipment has been extemporaneously _”reassigned”_ by another agent. Arriving at a meeting of international financiers in our hastily modified Toyota Prius raised more than a few eyebrows. Luckily I was able to convince them I had a harmless if somewhat eccentric concern about the effect of climate change on the Burgundy vineyards. Without meaning to _harp on_ , I would note that I returned the vehicle without so much as a scratch. I cannot help but wonder how much good could be done, were we not destroying several million pounds worth of horsepower every few months. Naturally by “we” I mean… Well. Perhaps it is best for some things not to be committed to paper. While I’m on the topic, I should mention I’ve been wondering whether our auditors are aware of the existence and subsequent disappearance of the 1964 DB5 that was being worked on in Q division last month. That thing was worth a fortune. The less said about the utter shambles of a mission that got it (and, incidentally, your predecessor) destroyed, the better.

My final point is in regard to our recent restructuring. I must begin by assuring you that I accept that infiltration by SPECTRE agents led to the decommissioning of the 00 programme and couldn’t be helped. Most likely couldn’t be helped. Certain people should probably be sacked, post haste, but that is, of course, not my personal remit. However, an order to decommission a programme does not, in my opinion necessitate immediate cessation of aid to agents _in the field_. If, for example, one is impersonating a wealthy investor whilst on a mission to prevent global stock market collapse, it is not, generally speaking, considered an advantage if one’s Coutts World Silk Card is suddenly and unexpectedly rejected. Manipulating events such that no one saw my personal Visa (which naturally displays my personal _name_ ) was trivial, of course, but should have been unnecessary. Not incidentally, a swift return on my expenses claim would be much appreciated.

Since the global stock market remains unperturbed, you may of course conclude that I was both successful and discreet, as usual, but I am afraid this last debacle is the final straw. Someone managed to blow up our old headquarters? A helicopter crash? It’s hardly what one expects from MI6. Unless I have been grossly misinformed, it does not stand for Multiple Implosions. It’s possible we need take a leaf from the American book and put ‘Secret’ right there in the title, since some people seem to need the reminder. Perhaps SPECTRE is correct on this singular point, and a restructuring will do some good. Cut out some dead wood. That sort of thing. 

Personally I am considering early retirement, even if I’m slightly concerned that the world will, quite literally, end without me.

Yours Faithfully,

Dr. Brown-Hanbury (formerly 009)

P.S. Tell me you’ve at least run a background check on Dr. Swann? She’s had a good look at a lot of our staff and she has no clearance. Bit embarrassing if she were taking our young Bond for a ride, don’t you think?

P.P.S. I’d like a car for my retirement. A nice one. You all owe me.

 

 

009,

There are less onerous ways of asking for a raise. I expect you in my office on Monday for a briefing. Eight thirty sharp.

-M

**Author's Note:**

> I have two dreams for the next Bond film, which will never come true, because no one is going to hire me to write it.
> 
> 1) Swann escapes getting stuffed in the fridge by turning out to have been a bad guy ALL ALONG.  
> 2) 009 turns up, and is absolutely just the WORST, but is also really good at being a spy. But is also awful.


End file.
